Whatcha Gonna Do? (I'll tell you.)

Hulk Hogan was a hero of mine growing up, he was tough, had a dirty old handle-bar mo and had the foresight to become a villain just when he was beginning to bore everyone shit-less…I’ve seen every major Hogan match, they’re cheesy, guilty-pleasures and recently I rediscovered a few on YouTube just for shits and giggles. I think I can beat Hulk Hogan, and with my tips maybe you could to….

When Fighting Hulk Hogan the odds are against you from the very get-go, the first thing you need to know is that he is ‘immortal’, now that could just be a label he gives himself but then again we don’t know for sure, I mean, as long as he has a pulse he still eligible for ‘immortality’ so give him the benefit of the doubt and realise that, in your match scheduled for one fall, you might have a chance of beating him but killing him is out of the question.

The first thing Hulk will do when he hits the ring is pander to the fans, this takes so much time that you could probably work out your taxes , get the kids school-lunches ready and do any other odd-jobs you’ve been putting off.

Then, Hulk will tear off his ‘Hulkamania’ shirt, not only is this a waste of a good shirt but it potentially weakens his shirt tearing-related-muscles, so get that bell ringing and let’s work on the vulnerabilities.

Depending on the age at which Hogan is when you fight him your match could last anywhere between 30 and 5 minutes, it kinda depends on how puffed-out he is after his first move. You can pretty much do whatever you want to Hogan, so long as you have the foresight to combat his 4 basic moves, (Punch, kick, clothes-line and grunting.)

If the going gets a wee bit tough reach for a steel chair, there are plenty of these not in use at ringside, if you have no luck there there’ll be heaps under the ring, right next to the aluminium bins, lead pipes, ladders, tables, and flaming 2x4’s.

Chances are that by this stage you’ll have the upper-hand, and can get Hogan down for the 3-count, however, in a cruel twist of fate the referee will have been knocked out by all of your horse-play, don’t worry he’ll wake up, but be patient – after all, a bump the shoulder would knock any mortal man out for 3-4 minutes – surely you know that? Don’t you? Don’t you?

Right, so fast forward a few minutes and all looks lost for the Hulkster, you’ve worn him down, suddenly though he starts shaking violently his body, I suppose you think that hitting him right about now is a good idea? It’s not dude? In fact I recommend doing anything but hitting him Because THIS will be the difference between winning and losing, dropkick him, elbow him, head-butt him, even run away until his seizure stops, but don’t punch him, I mean c’mon you’re wrestling this guy and you haven’t bothered to study any of his previous matches or strategies over the past 30 years? – seriously you deserve to be beaten at this point.

If you do end up socking him one he’ll shake more and you’ll punch him 2 or 3 more times and then look to the audience in confusion between each wallop. Eventually he’ll point at you and say “You” at the same time, now, if you’ve been ignoring my advice so far then PLEASE DON’T HIT HIM ANYMORE, because now he’ll waggle his finger in a ‘No’ sort of a gesture, block you and hit you back not once, not twice but thrice, then throw your Lily-white ass into the ropes and on the return trip you’ll meet-and-greet with a giant boot to the face and cover ya for the 1,2,3.

So sleep tight knowing that you have all the tools with which to beat Hulk Hogan, thank me later.

OM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Did man really land on the moon OR was it an elaborate ploy set on a sound stage?

Is the US Government hanging onto an alien corpse they picked up in Roswell, New Mexico?

A conspiracy theorist might say “yes indeedy” to the above, but others may need a bit more convincing…but after you read this, you will never take anything at face value again!

This week, regular contributor to ‘Sesame Street’, Cookie Monster turned 40 years old, so it’s only fitting that I finally reveal to you what I first learned nearly 30 years ago.

You’ve probably noticed that Cookie Monster puts away a fair few cookies, he does so by way of song (The irresistible ‘C is for Cookie’) or by counting out the number of cookies on his plate (Let’s say there are 4) and then rearranging them to see if the amount has changed (For the record; the amount hasn’t changed – there are still 4 cookies there.). These distractions disguise the deception that follows next.

Cookie Monster goes mental (living up to the ‘monster’ part of his name) and starts devouring the cookies – or does he? In the age of VHS, I could never quite establish just how much of the cookie was being swallowed and how much was simply hitting the floor, but now with DVD (and more recently Blu-ray) we can slow the footage down frame by frame and discover that in fact Cookie Monster is not consuming a single crumb.

It all makes sense now doesn’t it? You’re kicking yourself as you read this? …Well here’s something else you probably never thought about: If Cookie Monster had been digesting even a fraction of the many cookies he has supposedly eaten over the last 40 years he would likely have a severe weight problem – at least that’s what we’d expect. But I have never seen C.M.’s torso, it’s always been conveniently hidden behind a bench or table…and behind that table is some well-toned blue felt…believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see - I say!...Oh, and happy birthday Cookie Monster.

Next time: Why ‘Oscar The Grouch’ was Orange in the first episode of Sesame Street, but has been green in every episode since.

Mama-se, mama-sa, mama-coo-sa

Today, the King Of Pop died.

Like most people my age, (early thirties), I've experienced a few of those days where 'you never forget where you were when..." and to be fair this was one of them for me.

I know some people aren't fans of MJ, then again I'm not a fan of our national game (rugby), but I can appreciate people's passion for it. I am a fan of Michael Jackson - I would never go so far to say a die-hard fan, but I have at some stage:
a) Thought I could dance like him.
b) Anticipated every new song/video with great expectations.
c) Owned all of his albums, though admittedly a few of those are now in a second hand bin somewhere, (this has less to do with the quality of the album and more to do with the compilations generally being a lot more fun to listen to).

At the time of writing this - it's only about 6 or 7 hours since the news came through - and already so much has been said about Michael's impact (positive and negative) on the world.
And for all the spectacle and controversy, it was my own experiences linked, albeit very indirectly, to Jackson that I remember the most.

I remember the day Mum took us shopping for music, I bought The Eurythmics 'Revenge' on cassette, and my brother bought Thriller on vinyl. Upon getting home and taking turns at playing the two albums (we only had one stereo back then), I quickly became insanely jealous of my brother's music purchasing decisions as I realised just how much cooler MJ's album was. It was the first time that music had got me REALLY excited, I love almost all the songs off that album to this day - 'Human Nature' is my fave - if you're asking.

Our family took a wee while to get a VCR, but my Aunty and Uncle had brought one back from japan just as they were being released here in NZ. I recall the afternoon I got to go around and have my first VCR experience. There were three options to view, Cyndi Lauper 'Girls Just wanna have Fun', MJ's video for 'Thriller' and 'Return of the Jedi' - I thought I'd get the music videos out of the way first.....I watched Thriller first, the other two came about an hour later - once I'd calmed down from those yellow eyes MJ flashes to the camera at the very end of the video - the scared me shitless for weeks!!!

In the early 90's I became fascinated with basketball - I sucked at it, still do to this day, but in '91 MJ released a song called 'Jam' which starred Michael Jordan in the video - I became pretty fanatical about a song featuring two MJ's and I remember shooting baskets all summer with that song playing on my walkman or stereo.

The photo, (see above), is my ticket to MJ's concert in Auckland, on Monday 11th of November 1996, if I recall correctly, it was his second show, but I didn't care - lining up at Just Jeans to get the ticket, then at Ericsson stadium for what felt like days, was just something you had to do in this situation.
I'm not gonna get into hyperbole about the concert; it was dubbed for the most part, poorly sung in others, but man-alive - there was some supreme staging and choreography, THAT, you can't deny. I hold no grudge about MJ's lack of live singing ability, many successful singers are best in studio - true back then, and certainly true today.
What I remember more than the show itself was taking the wrong exit out of Ericsson and pitch darkness trying to meet a distant relative whose place I was staying at - the show finished about 11pm - I didn't find my ride until about 1am!

Buying the wrong album....gutting
Getting the bejeezus scared out of me by a music video.....gutting
Failing epically at basketball....gutting
Getting lost in Auckland...gutting
But, all these are experiences, experiences that are indirectly linked to an amazing talent, an amazing talent that is now gone forever...now that's gutting.

What are we teaching our kids?

So we're in recession, it's not the first time - but if we play our cards right - it might be our last.
But in order to 'play our cards right' - we have to be a little more vigilant about what messages we are sending future generations - especially when they are children.

The other day I was at the local hospital getting my annual check-up, in the waiting room was a children's playmat not too disimilar to the one pictured here, the main difference with the one I saw at the hospitale is that this particular 'road-map playmat' had about 15 blocks with all sorts of businesses and services; a hairdresser, a drive-in movie theatre, a fire station, a hospital (not the one I was waiting in, however how weird would it have been if it were the same one? It would be like a dream within a dream!) a fast food place, a church, a police station and three carwashes.....hold up, wait a minute...THREE carwashes??? What the hell does a town that size need with three carwashes? Seriously, how fucking clean does this community's automobiles need to be?
I don't know about you, but I've never used a carwash, not because of any particular objection to them, but just beacuse I have always washed my own car, that's what my father did, and his father before him - so I'm going to imagine that it's fair to say that most people 'manually' wash their cars - which brings me back to my point; this town cannot sustain three carwashes, one carwash would struggle, three is just asking for trouble.

The other problem with this children's playmat was that on the entire 15 blocks there were no more than NINE parking spaces, where the hell is everyone else supposed to park? Is it like musical chairs where everyone just keeps driving around - guzzling petrol that they can barely afford until someone reverses out? I guess maybe that explains the three carwashes; something to do while you're waiting for a carpark to become available.

Good on the makers of these playmats for giving our children something to do - (I would've loved one of those for my matchbox cars back in the 80's), I just hope the children playing on them aren't our next town-planners or our economy might just come undone again.

Lost in translation

Flo-Rida is a hip-hop artist who has been doing big things lately with hi top 40 single 'Right Round' - I thought I would take the time to find the meaning behind the song by translating each line.....


You spin my head right round, right round
You turn my head around 360 degrees, twice.
When you go down, when you go down down
When you perform oral sex upon me
You spin my head right round, right round
You turn my head around 360 degrees, twice.
When you go down, when you go down down
When you perform oral sex upon me
Hopped out of that house with my swagger
Left my place of residence whilst walking in a trendy manner
Hop in that with girl, I got places to go!
Got in the car with a woman who is driving, I have an appointment.
People to see, time is precious
I have several of the aforementioned appointments – my diary is full today
I look at my crowd and they out of control
My friends are refusing to take any direction from me
Just like my mind where I'm going
My brain appears to be shutting down the more I travel in this automobile
No women, no shorties, no nothin but clothes
No females, no girlfriends, I can only see apparel here
No stoppin now, my Pirellis on roll
We will continue to drive, my Pirelli-brand tyres are moving in a forward direction
I like my jewelry, that's always on gold
I wear a range of watches, chains and bracelets - all of which are gold
I know the storm is comin
The weather forecast is for thunder and lightning
my pockets keep tellin me it's gonna shower
The part of my jeans that usually hold my keys and wallet are also providing a similar weather report
Call up my homies that's home
call up my friends who are currently at their homes
Then pop in the night cuz it's meant to be ours

Ummmm….I have NO idea....well, I tried……..

Piggy-wiggy flu

Advice from a website regarding the Swine Flu

'Influenza is very easily spread through coughs and sneezes. If you have influenza, avoid public places and close contact with other people. Always cough and sneeze into a disposable tissue. Put the tissue in a rubbish bin and wash your hands well afterwards.'

Very good advice if you ask me, and not limited to just the swine flu. It's advice that should be followed but let's break it down....

Influenza is very easily spread through coughs and sneezes.

Yeah, it's also very easily spread by the person who rolls into work sniffing every 5 seconds and telling you, in no uncertain terms, how crap they feel and how they "hope you don't get it"....The great thing about this, of course, is that you can actively put a face to the flu once it infects you.

Always cough and sneeze into a disposable tissue.

As opposed to a reusable tissue.

1. Put the tissue in a rubbish bin.
2. Wash your hands well afterwards.

If you are wiping your nose with your hand, please go straight to step 2.

Say cheese!

I am from New Zealand, the home of Lord Of The Rings movies, Flight Of The Conchords, people who talk really fast and Sir Edmund Hillary....if you're not from New Zealand you'd be forgiven for thinking that we have it all; quirky ideas, ingenuity as well as amazing hills and Hutt valleys.....but the truth is, we've had to be patient for some things...

When I was a kid, movies would start screening here about 6 months after they were initially released in the U.S. - of course back then you had no idea certain movies were even being made because there was no internet, no spoilers - in fact the only way you could've had the ending of 'The Empire Strikes back' spoilt for you - is if a homing pigeon dropped in a note to tell you that Vader is Luke's dad..

Even in the present day we've had to wait for stuff, only last week here in New Zealand we got our version of the 'Next Top Model'. 'New Zealand's Next Top Model' is Tyra Banks-less but the girls seem fun, bubbly and a tad naive - and I'm sure the winner will be the next person modelling tops here in NZ as the show's name promises.

Yep, we've been a patient nation - so you can only imagine my near-orgasmic like surprise when I saw a new product advertised on Sunday night on TV....new to us....not new to the rest of the world....Ladies and Gentlemen MR. CHEESE IS HERE!!!!!

Mr Cheese is cheese in a can, much like whipped cream in a can - that's right AEROSOL CHEESE!....One word 'FIIIIIINALLY'.

How many times in my life have I been at dinner parties where cheese platters have been brought out and I've had to politely wince my way through eating a slice of Camembert....Eeeeeew! Now there is Mr. Cheese...I can literally spray the cheese of my choice (Mr. Cheese comes in two flavours: tasty and mild) onto a cracker.

All of this is very exciting, and it's clearly excitement that we've been denied for many years in this country, the Mr. Cheese TV commercial is glorious and can be found on the net - it features a sexy-girl on roller skates (no, we're not up to roller-blades in NZ yet), spraying the cheese onto the foods of everyone she passes - let's see you do that with a kilo of Edam! And as if that's not enough, there are two guys playing chess with the cans of Mr. Cheese (the cans are red or yellow depending on the flavour) I don't know how exactly they are deciphering between rooks, kings, queens and pawns - but who cares they are having fun and shit, so am I - Mr. Cheese is here!!!

Having aerosol cheese really sends New Zealand flying up the ranks of developed nations and maybe even higher when you discover that Mr. Cheese does not require refrigeration - that's right - forget about the round-trip back to the fridge, you can leave Mr. Cheese at room temperature, next to the remote control or even leave it lying in direct sunlight - now that's convenience!

So there we go - patience pays off and next week the Sega master System is released in stores here....