Say cheese!

I am from New Zealand, the home of Lord Of The Rings movies, Flight Of The Conchords, people who talk really fast and Sir Edmund Hillary....if you're not from New Zealand you'd be forgiven for thinking that we have it all; quirky ideas, ingenuity as well as amazing hills and Hutt valleys.....but the truth is, we've had to be patient for some things...

When I was a kid, movies would start screening here about 6 months after they were initially released in the U.S. - of course back then you had no idea certain movies were even being made because there was no internet, no spoilers - in fact the only way you could've had the ending of 'The Empire Strikes back' spoilt for you - is if a homing pigeon dropped in a note to tell you that Vader is Luke's dad..

Even in the present day we've had to wait for stuff, only last week here in New Zealand we got our version of the 'Next Top Model'. 'New Zealand's Next Top Model' is Tyra Banks-less but the girls seem fun, bubbly and a tad naive - and I'm sure the winner will be the next person modelling tops here in NZ as the show's name promises.

Yep, we've been a patient nation - so you can only imagine my near-orgasmic like surprise when I saw a new product advertised on Sunday night on TV....new to us....not new to the rest of the world....Ladies and Gentlemen MR. CHEESE IS HERE!!!!!

Mr Cheese is cheese in a can, much like whipped cream in a can - that's right AEROSOL CHEESE!....One word 'FIIIIIINALLY'.

How many times in my life have I been at dinner parties where cheese platters have been brought out and I've had to politely wince my way through eating a slice of Camembert....Eeeeeew! Now there is Mr. Cheese...I can literally spray the cheese of my choice (Mr. Cheese comes in two flavours: tasty and mild) onto a cracker.

All of this is very exciting, and it's clearly excitement that we've been denied for many years in this country, the Mr. Cheese TV commercial is glorious and can be found on the net - it features a sexy-girl on roller skates (no, we're not up to roller-blades in NZ yet), spraying the cheese onto the foods of everyone she passes - let's see you do that with a kilo of Edam! And as if that's not enough, there are two guys playing chess with the cans of Mr. Cheese (the cans are red or yellow depending on the flavour) I don't know how exactly they are deciphering between rooks, kings, queens and pawns - but who cares they are having fun and shit, so am I - Mr. Cheese is here!!!

Having aerosol cheese really sends New Zealand flying up the ranks of developed nations and maybe even higher when you discover that Mr. Cheese does not require refrigeration - that's right - forget about the round-trip back to the fridge, you can leave Mr. Cheese at room temperature, next to the remote control or even leave it lying in direct sunlight - now that's convenience!

So there we go - patience pays off and next week the Sega master System is released in stores here....

Planet Earth Number Two - and there's nothing I can do...

...I've just written Bowie's next song, not that he needs my help - Bowie loves his outer-space ballads; Space Oddity, Starman....um....the song from Labyrinth - Bowie went through a space phase in the seventies (or should that be 'phaser' - he he he....ha ha ha HAH HAH HAH ha...yeah) , but not even Bowie could've imagined that in his lifetime - we'd be out seeking earth-like planets....but guess what? We are!

This past week, NASA (which stands for Never-Assume-Spock's-Alive) launched a space craft into the nether-regions of space to search for planets that we could some day inhabit. The whole mission thus far has cost about $591 million (US) and you don't get much change out of that, (although any change you DO get would be gratefully received).
$591 mill - its nice to know that a recession hasn't stood in the way of us playing out a dirty little Buck Rodgers fantasy.

The Kepler is a flying telescope, (not as cool sounding as the Millenium Falcon), and it's on the road for 3 years searching out planets just like ours....yep, that's it, we don't want something different, we want another one the same as what we already have - kinda like going to a restaurant and ordering the same meal everytime.

I dunno about this, I mean a whole new planet sounds pretty cool at first - but then the more you think about the more of a hassle it sounds....

First, let's say we find a planet that seems to have similar qualities to Earth, the instruments show that the air is breathable.....imagine the person who draws the short straw and has to take their helmet off for the first breath to make sure the instruments aren't lying - f*** that!!! If your oxygen readings aren't quite right you might find your eyes popping out of their sockets (Refer scene from the movie 'Total Recall'.)

Once the atmosphere's been sorted you then have to move heaps of stuff from Old Earth (known from this point on as 'Earth One') and new Earth (known from this point on as 'Barry') - it's hard enough moving flats or houses, let alone moving planets. (Add to that, no-one ever wants to help you move because it's usually the weekend.)
There's no way you are going to get everything moved in one trip, even if the space shuttle is towing a trailer from the service station and has a mattress tied to the roof - it's going to take a while to get everything from Earth One to Barry.

When you're all moved in - friends from Earth One will want to come and see you, what happens here? Do we use a passport still? Instead of saying you are 'going overseas' do you now say you are 'going overspace'? I guess there is one plus - you wont have to sit through the evacuation procedure on the flight there as the only place to evacuate to in an emergency is cold dark space. (Refer scene from 'Total Recall' again.)

Then you've got to consider the length of a day etc - what if you end up with 3 hours of daylight and 25 hours of darkness? (Have I mentioned it's a 28 hour day on Barry?) - think of all the moths!!!!

A new world?....sounds like too much hassle to me, I'd rather stay here on good ol' Earth One - a world with plenty of things wrong with it; melting polar ice-caps, pollution, war and 'Dancing with the Stars'....but the world I know.