Hulk Hogan was a hero of mine growing up, he was tough, had a dirty old handle-bar mo and had the foresight to become a villain just when he was beginning to bore everyone shit-less…I’ve seen every major Hogan match, they’re cheesy, guilty-pleasures and recently I rediscovered a few on YouTube just for shits and giggles. I think I can beat Hulk Hogan, and with my tips maybe you could to….
When Fighting Hulk Hogan the odds are against you from the very get-go, the first thing you need to know is that he is ‘immortal’, now that could just be a label he gives himself but then again we don’t know for sure, I mean, as long as he has a pulse he still eligible for ‘immortality’ so give him the benefit of the doubt and realise that, in your match scheduled for one fall, you might have a chance of beating him but killing him is out of the question.
The first thing Hulk will do when he hits the ring is pander to the fans, this takes so much time that you could probably work out your taxes , get the kids school-lunches ready and do any other odd-jobs you’ve been putting off.
Then, Hulk will tear off his ‘Hulkamania’ shirt, not only is this a waste of a good shirt but it potentially weakens his shirt tearing-related-muscles, so get that bell ringing and let’s work on the vulnerabilities.
Depending on the age at which Hogan is when you fight him your match could last anywhere between 30 and 5 minutes, it kinda depends on how puffed-out he is after his first move. You can pretty much do whatever you want to Hogan, so long as you have the foresight to combat his 4 basic moves, (Punch, kick, clothes-line and grunting.)
If the going gets a wee bit tough reach for a steel chair, there are plenty of these not in use at ringside, if you have no luck there there’ll be heaps under the ring, right next to the aluminium bins, lead pipes, ladders, tables, and flaming 2x4’s.
Chances are that by this stage you’ll have the upper-hand, and can get Hogan down for the 3-count, however, in a cruel twist of fate the referee will have been knocked out by all of your horse-play, don’t worry he’ll wake up, but be patient – after all, a bump the shoulder would knock any mortal man out for 3-4 minutes – surely you know that? Don’t you? Don’t you?
Right, so fast forward a few minutes and all looks lost for the Hulkster, you’ve worn him down, suddenly though he starts shaking violently his body, I suppose you think that hitting him right about now is a good idea? It’s not dude? In fact I recommend doing anything but hitting him Because THIS will be the difference between winning and losing, dropkick him, elbow him, head-butt him, even run away until his seizure stops, but don’t punch him, I mean c’mon you’re wrestling this guy and you haven’t bothered to study any of his previous matches or strategies over the past 30 years? – seriously you deserve to be beaten at this point.
If you do end up socking him one he’ll shake more and you’ll punch him 2 or 3 more times and then look to the audience in confusion between each wallop. Eventually he’ll point at you and say “You” at the same time, now, if you’ve been ignoring my advice so far then PLEASE DON’T HIT HIM ANYMORE, because now he’ll waggle his finger in a ‘No’ sort of a gesture, block you and hit you back not once, not twice but thrice, then throw your Lily-white ass into the ropes and on the return trip you’ll meet-and-greet with a giant boot to the face and cover ya for the 1,2,3.
So sleep tight knowing that you have all the tools with which to beat Hulk Hogan, thank me later.
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